"Nothing is impossible...if you don't have to do it."
-- Cornelia, a.k.a. my grandmother.
This entry contains excerpts from a letter I wrote in late 2005 to my Grandmother, Cornelia, who at the time was 96 years old and showing signs that she would leave us sometime soon. She died on her 97th birthday in December, 2006.
How can I count the ways in which you’ve been so influential in my life? I’m but one of your many grandchildren (how many? Let’s see: Lois, Clarke, me, Liz, Bobby, Dwyer, Scott, Craig, Hilary, Lori, Philip…and then there are all the great-grandchildren, and then there are the great-great grandchildren….oh my goodness, I’m not sure how many altogether!). All of us have admired your strengths, enjoyed your company and benefited from your seemingly constant cheerful disposition; but I have always seen you as someone to look “up” to, even though you are small in physical stature. In some ways, our lives followed similar paths. At some decision points along the way in my own life, I thought of you, and felt that if you could go through some of the things you did, and maintain such equilibrium, then maybe I could, too.
You have been through many different experiences in life – some difficult, some wonderful, some dreary, some tedious, some unimaginable in both the bad and good senses — and yet you continually retain an unshakeable sense of wonder, joyful anticipation and of course, good humor. I have always admired you for that. I have always wished that I could emulate those qualities in you. I still try, and will always try, because I think our lives are much more fruitful and meaningful when we try, and never give up.
And what about courage? It takes immense fortitude to face the unknown, and yet you do it with aplomb. The cowboys of old who bravely burned trails to the West; the intrepid inventors who built the railroads and flew the first aircraft over vast deserts and wide oceans; the fantastic accomplishments of modern men traveling into outer space; all of these cannot and do not surpass the steadfast resolution of women like you, who lived graciously through a time that I can’t even comprehend.
If I look at your life and the times you have lived through, I realize that you experienced things in radically different ways from my own experiences. You were born into a world where women could not vote; you grew up in a world where women who held jobs were stigmatized; you lived as a teenager during a time that divorce was viewed as something disgraceful, even as your own mother became a divorced, single mother due to circumstances beyond her control; and you held a steady job through decades where women who worked as hard as men in the same jobs were paid far less, with little or no opportunity for advancement. When women did not have nearly as many choices as they do now (or will in the future), you rose above those deterrents and quietly made your way in the world.
Looking back at the vast changes in our society and indeed the whole world during the 20th century, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to live through it all. But you did. Everything seemed to speed up starting about the time when you were born: automobiles replaced horses for ground transportation, and steam turbines powered faster ships across the oceans. Train travel gave way to the aviation industry, which now dominates distance travel in a way I’m sure most people never imagined could happen. Technology development accelerated dramatically, affecting every aspect of people’s lives – especially in industry and medicine. I read that more technological advances occurred in any 10-year period following World War I than the sum total of new technological development in any previous century! After World War I, people learned to live with new terms like “world war” and “nuclear war.” In your lifetime the world moved into an era where the looming prospect of mass destruction by modern weapons is ever present. Mechanization of goods and services, and certainly the advent of global communication also greatly quickened the pace of everyday life – and not always improving life. Every aspect of life in almost every human society changed in some fundamental way during the 20th century, and you were there to see it all and to experience momentous change in your own life.
I think we “youngsters” often forget how important it is to acknowledge what our parents and grandparents lived through, and we certainly are guilty of not remembering that you have a great amount of collected wisdom to pass on to us if we would listen to the words from your heart. If there is one thing I personally regret about our modern life in America, it is our society’s tendency to “hide” our seniors. Instead of focusing on what you can tell us from hard-earned experience, we tend to focus on pursuit of a materialistic and pleasure-filled existence.
What have you told me through the life you lived? I think hard about your life and how it has affected me, and can honestly say that there is much you have taught me, and still teach me, without even knowing it. You have taught me through your own life that I too can rise above my own inherent weaknesses and inadvertent mistakes, and live graciously and with joyful anticipation, no matter what the circumstances. You have taught me that even when you lose someone you dearly love, you can go on, and still enjoy a continued life of investing in those friends and family members that are all around you. You taught me that even when others are seemingly heartless and do hurtful things to you or those you love, you can choose to leave it behind and focus on living a fully satisfying present while anticipating and crafting for yourself a better future.
You still teach me today. Despite the fact that you are slowing down, and your body is weakening, your mind is quick and sharp and your high spirits are intact. I can tell they are because that’s just who you are. I love that about you, and I aspire to be the same way, no matter what my own future holds. This is what I think about when I think of you. And this is what I will always think about when I find myself in similar circumstances to yours – no matter what stage of my life. As I said earlier in this letter, in many ways both our lives followed similar paths. And as I also said, I often think to myself, if you could go through some of the things you did, and maintain such equilibrium, such dignity, such strength, then maybe I could, too.
Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for loving me all my life long, whether you were near or far. Thank you for teaching me through your example that I can choose to be happy no matter what my circumstances are. Thank you for your joyful approach to life, for still being a party girl well into your 90s, and for being adventurous enough to try one of Elliott’s Scarlett O’Hara cocktails! Thank you for passing on to me your blue eyes and your blue blood, and your Irish tenacity. Thank you for your gentleness and your loving heart toward me.
I will visit you soon, and we can laugh together, and trade warm hugs. I look forward to looking into your eyes. Until then, my thoughts are about you and my heart is with you.
All my love,
Your grand daughter,
Jill
No comments:
Post a Comment